The Second Year Journey

Jan. 7, 2021


Butch would have made quarantine so fun. He was always down for an adventure and loved to dazzle you with his attention to every detail to surprise you even more. He could easily use his MacGyver skills to save the day no matter what we did. Being a true outdoorsman, he would have found countless ways to remain socially distant but fully engaged in life. I can imagine hikes, bicycling, picnics, jeep rides, kayaking, and so many other things that are just not fun to do without him. Even indoors on cold or rainy days was better with him for a playmate.

When we were first married, he was stationed at Fort Hood, TX. We would leave home on a Friday night and head for nearby Lampasas, TX for pizza. Not once did we make it to Lampasas. Instead, we would end up in Abilene to visit my cousin, or Louisiana to visit dozens of others. Wandering aimlessly on the myriad farm roads in Texas was just an adventure. A tank of gas in our Volkswagen and his toolbox in the boot, and we were ready for anything.

When our son attended a parent coop preschool, we were required to do a number of hours of volunteer work at the school. He not only attended his fair share of parent meetings alone, while I was at home with our newborn, but he participated in work parties as well. One Saturday, a crew of primarily white collar fathers was working on a landscaping project in the large yard. When someone turned over the rented tractor they were using, it was Butch who gleefully engineered a series of levers and pulleys to flip it back over.

Our family spent a week at Camp Sacramento for several years when our kids were young. It was like summer camp for families up in the Sierras. There was fun stuff for everyone. Butch consistently hit home runs in the baseball games, often launching the ball across highway 50 for good measure. It was Butch that helped free the camp van when a young staffer hit loose gravel and swerved into the ditch.

For my 40th birthday, he invited three of his truck driver buddies and their wives over for dinner. He assigned each of them a part of the taco dinner he was planning. When they arrived and settled themselves in the living room, he ushered the guys into the kitchen and the wives into the living room to relax. He then lead them is preparing the dinner and later doing the cleanup while I and the other wives enjoyed the break. Clearly, roles have changed over time, but this was a big deal back then.

He once showed up at the adult education school where I was teaching in the evening with a seven course meal served in the back of his pickup. It included such delicacies as canned soup served from a thermos, packaged salads, frozen entrées warmed and wrapped in foil, pudding cups and steaming hot coffee with flavored creamer to make it more official seeming. There was a small folding table that fit perfectly between the wheel wells with a table cloth and battery operated candles to ensure candle light in case of wind. When my allotted dinner break time was almost over, he lifted the table cloth by the four corners and whisked the whole meal into a box to be disposed of at home. My students were beside themselves with delight that old people still did such cool stuff. We were no doubt posted on social media sights we had yet to learn about.

On a vacation to San Diego, we took our kayaks along. Finding a quiet area off the bay, he taught me how to use my new kayak and then lead me some distance away from the launch area. When I expressed concern that I would be too tired or unskilled to make it back, he continually said, “Not to worry, I’ve got this.” When it was time to return, he opened the hatch of his kayak and pulled out a tow rope and a large umbrella. He tied us together, opened the umbrella, and sailed us back. He had carefully steered us into the wind on our way out, so the wind would easily take us home. People around us were duly impressed!!

There is no part of a global pandemic that is good. The irreversible damage will take years to overcome. Yet it offers each of us a chance to grow and change in many ways. In the wake of the tremendous loss, in lives, in financial devastation, in the consequences for students, in mental health, in countless other ways we can find gratitude for what remains and strength we might not have known we had. But we all would prefer that the clock reverse and that we get our original lives back.

Quarantine, however, is what you make of it. My technophobic senior companions have found their way to online church, social events, watch parties, card playing, doctor appointments, and holiday celebrations in ways they could not have imagined a year ago. My granddaughter has attended all manner of entertainment online. We have done kindergarten, ballet, jazz, French and singing class, yoga, martial arts, play dates, cousin time, and her grandparents retirement party online. Her aunt in Canada sends her what they call chapter books and meets her online each week to read and discuss a chapter. She and my granddaughters in another city spend long periods of time sharing play dough, playing dolls, reading books, and giving tours of their rooms and toy boxes on Zoom or Duo. My family had a Zoom reunion that enlisted nearly every member when we would never have had that kind of turnout in person. We had dessert with family members on Thanksgiving and opened presents with them at Christmas on Zoom because some of them are out and about and don’t want to risk the health of others. I was even able to say goodbye to my amazing aunt via Zoom before she disappeared into brain cancer when it was not safe to travel to see her in person.

Becoming us without them is very much like a pandemic. Denial feeds the false hope that this is all a dream and we will wake up any minute and have our lives back. As reality sets in we are forced to face the global changes that this loss will impose upon us. Nothing is the same. The mind numbing pain isolates us from people, even when we are all in the same room. All the fun goes out of life for a time. There is a sense of waiting and waiting for some unnamed thing that will never come. It is hard to trust ourselves to make good choices for the future. It is even harder to invest in others when we now understand, in very real ways, that no one and nothing is permanent. There is no avoiding that we will have to do everything a new way because no amount of protest will make it not so. While the memories grow sweet again as the pain diminishes, they are no more a replacement for the real thing than a Zoom Christmas will ever be a replacement for a room full of loved ones and yummy dinners. There will never be a vaccine to prevent or cure grief.

Slowly we adapt and adjust to this new reality as we have to extended quarantine. The new normal unfolds whether we welcome it or not. Much to our surprise, and sometimes against our will, we find strength we never knew we had. We can learn to be grateful for what is here now, and shift our focus away from what has been taken. The pain becomes but one facet of the diamond that emerges from the intense pressure required to move forward with courage and hope. We survive. And in the process, we may to discover a version of ourselves that we could never have imagined before the loss. They would be proud of what we have become and we can be proud of ourselves as well.

Jan. 1, 2020
Our first official date was on December 31, 1969.
We hung out on November 5, 1969, when we met at a local pizza place where my friends went after football games. He was not a member of my social network. Actually, neither was I. I floated along next to the in-crowd. I never really belonged anywhere. I had the looks and the grades to fit in. My family had all the social trappings to gain me entrance into the rooms, but I held too many family secrets to have sleepovers and parties. Looking back, I was too wounded to let anyone close enough to know me. Butch had been relegated to the island of misfit toys via an undiagnosed learning disability that gained him entrance into the “don’t expect too much from this one” group, despite being very bright. My friends were less than welcoming when they saw us together. The difference in economic status between our families was one of the many things that contributed to our being labeled as “the odd couple.” That was a problem for me when we first met as freshmen, as he attempted to initiate a relationship. I behaved like an entitled jerk and that went away. Junior year, I became infatuated with him from afar as I watched how kindly and tenderly, he treated the girl he was courting. He was unavailable, so I gave up. Our senior year found us sitting together in government class due simply to alphabetical order seat assignment. It took two months to negotiate the first tentative meeting for pizza. We left together afterwards and sat in his car to talk until my curfew. We were soulmates. Unfortunately, my curfew was much later than his, so he arrived home to find a furious mother and receive a month of restriction. We could only hang out at school. It very quickly became apparent that he was sweet, romantic, and treated me better than anyone in my life. I, being completely feral, could not tolerate being treated nicely, so I ended the relationship. It took only a short time to realize that was a terrible mistake and begin desperately flirting my way into a second chance.
At last, I was invited to spend New Years Eve with him. He later confessed that his plan was to get me to care about him and to then break my heart as I had done twice in the past. While I probably deserved that, I am lucky that we stayed together after all. I often said that Butch was a miracle, imposed on me by God, despite my best efforts to screw it up. Butch was assigned the role of bouncer for the party his sister was having at his house, so we went to the party together. They were her college theater class friends, older and very quirky. Around 11:30 pm, when it was clear that everyone there was harmless and well behaved, we slipped out for a romantic surprise he had planned. We drove in his 1957 Ranchero to an open field on top of a hill. There were lots of undeveloped areas around, so it was still very close to his home. We looked out over the Christmas lights under a clear, starry sky, talking and drinking sparkling cider, while the radio played in the background. So romantic!! When he attempted to start the car, the battery was dead. After some thought, he decided we would walk the few blocks to his boss’s house, borrow a car and some jumper cables, and be good as new. It had been rainy, so the field was very muddy. With each step we would sink into the mud, making it hard to keep from losing our shoes as we went. I finally took my shoes off and carried them. His boss and family were amused and intrigued by our adventure and happily contributed to our rescue. I thought it was a grand adventure, making for a great story to tell for the rest of our lives. I was impressed by his resourcefulness and his ability to engineer our escape. My dad would have had to call a tow truck. Butch was mortified. He would go on to create romantic moments and memorable dates for 46 years before his death.
Becoming us without them means facing those anniversaries again and again. As with everyone else, anniversaries invite us to remember the years of celebration together. On the journey of grief, those lovely memories become bittersweet. While others look fondly back over the past, they also look forward into the future, anticipating more to come. As we gaze into the future, we see only the empty place where our loved ones should be. It can be hard to imagine a time when those days and places will not be haunted by the fading memories of them there. The fleeting images are so real. We see them clearly for a brief moment; remember what they wore; hear their voice, what they said. Then they are gone again, and the emptiness descends. Only our grieving mentors understand what this is like.
As with all parts of the journey of grief, birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are best faced in the presence of others. In the telling of the stories among those who were there, our loved ones become three dimensional again. Their memories, added to ours, lift the pain and add laughter to the process. While still gone, they are made much more alive and present as the story is told from the hearts of other people who cared about them. As the memory is wrapped in the love and laughter in the room, so is the pain. The new version of the story doesn’t end in our past memories. It goes on in the new version, with everyone who is present in the telling, where we are not alone, and not forgotten. Magically, even loving people who did not know them, can add their love and laughter to the memory and change it every so slightly as we tell it with them. Only in the shame and misery of isolation does the memory remain frozen in time and wrapped in pain.
Only we can choose to invite love and laughter into those memories so they can be redeemed and remembered with joy once again. Others are not likely to begin those conversations, worrying that they will cause us pain. We must invite them into a celebration of the life of our loved one so we can all see them clearly, hear their voice, and hold them warmly in our hearts forever.
Dec. 25, 2019
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
Another reminder that you won’t be there.
The children are grown so they’re not in their beds
The office and guest room lay empty instead
While I’m in my kerchief you’re not in your cap
My chore list’s too crazy for long winter’s naps
When up in my brain there arose such a clatter,
I tossed and I turned and I wondered what mattered
Away to the past my mind went like a flash,
Tore open the memories of our Christmases past
The moon shining bright on your side of the bed
Your soft snoring gone; deadly silence instead
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
Not a miniature sleigh or eight tiny reindeer,
But a newsreel of images vivid and quick
Like you, dressed as Santa, to play old St. Nick.
More rapid than eagles the stories they came
I savored them each as I called them by name
The first Christmas morning our son held a box
Acting thrilled with each gift whether toys or just socks
Small plastic pieces without good directions
Two am battles with bikes still in sections
First babies, next toddlers, then boys with new bikes
On Christmas, on birthdays, you knew what we liked
From a Christmas tree wired to the living room wall
So a brave little boy climbing high didn’t fall
To working two jobs to buy shin guards and cleats
Driving miles to support both his wins and defeats
Your eyes how they twinkled, your laughter so merry
Now life here without you seems empty and scary
The beard on your chin that was sprinkled with snow
That waited till fifty before it would grow
In the blink of an eye you were gone like St. Nick
But remembering you here does a magical trick
The love that we shared and the life that we lead
Will remain safe and sound in my heart and my head
Though the pain and the joy are all mixed up together
Christmas memories with you can still last forever
I can just hear your voice as the tears cloud my sight
“Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night”
Nov. 10, 2019

Butch’s whole family was very creative.  His mom could convert an empty room into a place of wonder for an event.  She decorated cakes, arranged flowers, and pretty much everything else needed to pull off a big bash or a family dinner.  His sisters all paint and are generally creative and skilled in all things artistic.  In 1974, I took a craft class that lasted 12 weeks.  Each week they taught us another craft or artistic medium.  No matter what I learned, one or more of them had already been doing it.  When he was away in the Army, Butch would include drawings he had done with my letters. They were great.  He dabbled at a few guy-type creative hobbies but never really found his niche early on. 

When the insurance agency where I worked hired Butch to take pictures of houses and cars, he discovered photography.  The talent and creativity in his family genes finally found their expression.  He enrolled in a photography class at the local junior college.  He learned to develop his own film, eventually creating a small darkroom in a part of the garage.  I have great pictures of my sons that he took at their sporting events.  He reshot old family photos, cleaned them up and enlarged them for anyone who asked.  He figured out how to get a treasured old photo of our boss’ grandmother when he drew him in the office holiday exchange.  He enlarged, matted and framed it for a gift that left him speechless and teary eyed when he opened it.  Butch found out that his co-worker’s daughter was having her first soccer game and created wonderful matted photos for him.

We drove miles together, as he was sent to photograph homes out in the country or up in the Sierras for our agency.  A world that he previously rode by on his bicycle, oblivious to the landscape, was suddenly filled with amazing things that needed to be photographed.  He loved to capture city shots of an old building and a new one side beside in contrast, especially at night.  He searched and searched for the perfect dilapidated old barn to photograph.  He had a great eye for scenes in nature.  It was not unusual for an insurance agency photo excursion to include hikes up streams for just the right secluded spot to photograph and climbing to the top of hills or up rocky slopes in search of that barn.  His sunsets were phenomenal.  Once, we drove far out into the country to find a place that was completely dark.  He set up the camera with the lens open and we left for a couple hours to get a pizza while the camera captured the stars moving across the sky.  In addiction to the streaks of light arching across the night sky, you could see a dotted line where an airplane had flown over the camera with lights blinking. 

The year I bought him his first good camera for Christmas, we drove to San Francisco to find unique scenes where holiday lights were most striking.  He decided we needed to be “just a smidge” inside a military facility across from great lights in the city to get the perfect shot.  He jumped out of the car and walked down the hill to get the angle he needed.  “Don’t worry.  You’ll be fine.  I’ll be right back.”  The MP who pulled up behind me as I sat there and came slowly to the window with his gun drawn was not impressed.  When he asked me what I was doing, I told him I was waiting for my idiot husband with the new camera, who was taking pictures of the cool lights, to return to the car, and hoping he did not fall and break his neck in the process.  Fortunately, said husband came strolling up onto the road about then with his cool new camera in hand.  Turns out that was not a unique idea and trespassers often stopped in that very spot to take photos.  In sympathy for the guy with the crabby wife, he merely scolded him and sent us on our way.  That was not the only time the obnoxious wife routine worked that well. 

He was such a nice guy that when we sent him to photograph homes or their contents the homeowners often held him prisoner, enjoying long talks and his warm personality.  Rich guys, in particular, seemed to enjoy talking to someone that was just nice and didn’t want anything from them.  He knew a little about everything from driving thousands of miles in the truck at work, listening to books, the news, and talk shows.  I would have to call and tell him we had another job for him to do to get him out of there because he didn’t want to offend a customer by leaving in the middle of a conversation. 

The thing he taught me about photography was that you never stop learning. Choose the right lens and you completely change the picture you produce.  Know how to select your film and you can shoot at night without a flash.  Understand the myriad adjustment settings on the camera itself and the sky is the limit.  Seek the guidance of experts and you discover tricks and techniques you could not have learned on your own.  The more you experiment, whether you succeed or fail, the better you get.  It takes education and experimentation to become a competent photographer.  In the end, though, what the camera sees is reality. The illusive barn will only show up in the picture if it is actually there.  While you may end up with an amazing picture of a meadow, full of lovely growing things, soaring birds, and an idyllic stream flowing by, that perfect barn will not be there unless you falsify the picture.

Becoming us without them means accepting the reality of what lies before us even if it is not what we desperately wish was there.  Time is a lens that softens the image and removes some of the harshness.  Old and new friendships help us change the film so we can again see beauty, even in the darkness.  Relying on the wisdom and experience of our grieving mentors helps us discover what we might not understand on our own.  As we slowly learn how to adjust our lives, some things work, some don’t.  But we get better, whether we want to or not. Only by taking risks and experimenting with life, will we develop the confidence and experience that allows us to feel competent again. 

It is important to remember that if we focus too long on the perfect old barn, we will miss the opportunity to capture life all around us.

Oct. 25, 2019

When we were 18 years old, the Vietnam war was raging. With a draft number of 26, it was inevitable that Butch would be drafted. Plagued by undiagnosed dyslexia and the limits it imposed, he was unable to pass the Air Force entrance exam, so he enlisted in the Army ahead of the call. The recruiter showed him a book of aircraft and told him he would be able to work on any one he chose. This was, of course, a lie. It turned out the book he showed Butch was an Air Force book that he borrowed from his buddy the air force recruiter to entice young men into the army. Despite being very bright and mechanically inclined, Butch’s poor scores on the written exam relegated him to the job of helicopter mechanic, better known as crew chief. The helicopter he was assigned to required him to double as door gunner. This left him with a very low life expectancy while under fire.

It was June, 1970. We were just out of high school, and devastated that we would soon be separated by a continent as he left for basic training in Monterey, CA and then helicopter mechanic training in Virginia. We spent as much of our remaining time together as we possibly could. As the departure date drew near, I engaged in the very annoying practice of counting down the “last” things. Last Monday, last Tuesday, last Wednesday……Last camping trip with my family, last time to swim together, last walk under the stars, last marshmallow roast. Last visit with friends. Last breakfast, lunch, dinner. Last kiss, hug, look. Last vestiges of childhood and a carefree existence.

All that, and Butch ended up at Fort Hood, TX, not Vietnam. We spent two fun years with other young, broke, couples, creating a feast from scraps among those stranded on holidays, playing double deck pinochle, having babies, and enjoying being young and poor together. We were only a few hours away from our extended families in Texas, Oklahoma, and Louisiana allowing us to visit more than we would ever again. Among my close friends was a woman named Sondra, who taught me more in my first six weeks as a mother than I learned in 18 years at home. Her warmth, confidence and modeling as a mother kept me from total panic when I found myself with a son and no idea how to parent him differently than my very miserable parents. Those were good times. We both remembered them fondly forever.

That tendency to dread life-altering events and to count down the moments has been a lifelong habit. I remember doing it as high school graduation approached and adulthood loomed on the horizon, as our wedding drew near and my life as a single person came to an end, and as the birth of our first child grew eminent, making me forever a mother with no clear idea of what any of those new roles required. I quietly repeated that process when my children left home and the hole in our lives once filled by their presence came clearly into view.

I didn’t have the luxury of savoring the “last things” with Butch’s departure from my life. One minute he was packing the car for our return home from vacation with our son and his family and the next, a heart attack ended my life as I knew it. It took 18 days for his body to leave, but he, the center of my universe, was gone in an instant. Would I trade a lingering illness with an opportunity to say goodbye and commemorate each last thing for an instant death that spared him from all suffering? Would he? Who can say which is worse? No one gets more than one ending to their story.

Each year since his death, I dread what I irreverently call “anniversary season”. November 5, 2019 will be the 50th anniversary of our first date in high school. Thanksgiving was never a big deal for us, yet I am uneasy as it approaches whether I spend it with my family or his. His birthday was December 5th and I miss serving him breakfast in bed, searching for a gift he will actually enjoy, and making old people jokes. Christmas is fully loaded with potential land mines, feeling like a burden for whoever gets stuck with me that year, doing Christmas with his family without him, and celebrating Christmas in January with my kids with an empty chair where he should be sitting and enjoying our lovely granddaughters. Next is our anniversary on January 4th, reminding me that our dreams of being that cute little old couple will never come to pass. My birthday is January 24th, now complicated by the heart attack date of January 26th. And not to be outdone, is February 13th, when he died, taking Valentine’s Day with him into the sorrow.

The first year, I didn’t know what was coming but I was a disaster in general so it blended right in. The second year, I was sure it would be better. I didn’t see it coming and was a total mess by Valentine’s Day. It took months to recover. The third year, I knew it was coming, got ready for it by lining up social support and mindfully setting up self-care around critical days. Valentine’s Day found me less shell shocked and ready to move on. This fourth year, I really wanted to roll through it with ease. Not so much….Like the sensation of a tsunami still out of sight but roaring toward shore, I can feel November 5th coming ever closer. When I think of initiating a conversation with someone about my sense of dread, I find myself tearing up and preferring not to try. “It’s just part of the process.” “I’ll be fine.” “No use bothering anyone else with this craziness.” “It’s probably not as bad as is seems.” And on and on and on…..While some of that may be true, the bottom line is that no part of the grieving process goes well in isolation. I can choose to crawl through this alone and risk making it worse. Or I can accept my human frailty and my need for comfort and support and double up the self-care, which I know only too well how to create. All the while wondering if there isn’t a “fast forward” button somewhere that I have just failed to press.

Becoming us without them means living a dual life. There is this person that is us, who has changed, and grown, and been forced to find strength and courage and even amazement as a new life emerges from the rubble of the loss. We know how to do things we would never have known. Like it or not, we have persevered, risen above, and become someone we would never have imagined. There does appear to be a light at the end of the tunnel that is not an oncoming train. At the same time, there is this crabby person walking along next to us, who stabs us in the heart now and then, with no warning, just for something to do. They are a permanent fixture. The more we accept that, the less surprised we will be when they assault us and the more kindness and grace we can extend to them along the way. “If you can’t beat em, l em.” is sage advice on the painful journey of grief with our uninvited companion.